So you want to become an original title translator for Finnish Media and Publishing. Well read on, then…

Here are the rules you must live and die by:

#1  Every title must change, no matter how awesome or awful it happens to be.

#2  To Hell with the artistry and the imagination that was put into creating an intriguing title! Dumb it down!

#3   No room for ambiguity here. Everything has to be crystal clear from the get go. Explain the work in the title; imagine it was made for a 2-year-old.

#4   If you, somehow, manage to give away the ending of a particular story in the title, you’re golden!

#5   Imagine that no one can understand English in Finland and those few who can, would not come across the original title anywhere else than the platform your choice of words is displayed.
(In other words Front Cover of a DVD Case versus Back Cover of the very same DVD Case)

#6   Make the title sound like a choice between "love" and something else or "money" and something else.

For example, “Love or Happiness”, “Money or Happiness” etc.
“Love or Money”? = Hallelujah, PERFECTION!

("Rakkautta vai Onnea", "Rahaa vai Onnea", "Rakkautta vai Rahaa")

If you’ve already used a title like “Love or Happiness” for another movie, no problem there; simply change the order of the words and make it “Happiness or Love”.

#7   The choice technique can also be applied to the word “die” if the particular piece that you're working on is one of those action stories whereby facing the risk of experiencing a probable, or at best, possible, unpleasant mortality case that cannot quite be ruled out by the main character or characters.

For example “Jump or Die”, “Sing or Die”, “Dance or Die”, etc.

("Hyppää tai Kuole", "Laula tai Kuole", "Tanssi tai Kuole")

#8   Use the words like “Wild”, “Sky/Heaven”, “Paradise of...”, “…of Love”, “Mad”, “Stark Raving Mad”, “Game of…”, "...of Dreams", “Dangerous” a lot.

("Villi", "Taivas", "Paratiisi", "Rakkauden", "Hullu", "Hurja", "Mieletön", "Pähkähullu", "Peli", "Unelmien", "Vaarallinen")

#9   If the story is an upbeat one use the word “best”; if the story is a downer use the word “worst”; if the story is about a disasterous situation use the word “nightmare”.

For example, let’s say the subject happens to be the family, then the title must be one of the following, depending on the mood dynamics spectrum explained above:

“Family is the Best”, “Family is the Worst”, “Family is a Nightmare”

("Perhe on Paras", "Perhe on Pahin", "Perhe on Painajainen")

#10   Over simplify everything. If the title is already simple turn into something completely different.

For example, if the movie is called “Jungle” make it “Passion from Heaven”.

If the title is simple yet boring like “Table”, make it “Wild Table”, “Table of Love”

("Pöytä", "Villi Pöytä", "Rakkauden Pöytä").

If you have the capacity to handle the amount of admiration you’re going to get for impressing the hell out of your industry, go ahead and show off by something like

“The Table That Caused Cancer and Killed Off All the Characters in the End”

#11   If there’s a particular TV Show for which you’ve used an impressively dumb title that everyone’s just LOOOVED so much and now your bosses ask you to come up with a title for another show, only somewhat similar, from another country that has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, use the same title anyway and add the country name in the end. Don’t worry no one will notice.

For example, if you translated a show title like “Wipe Out” into “Wild Game/ Villi Peli” and they ask you to find a Finnish name for, say “X-Factor” that was filmed in London, go ahead and call it “Wild Game UK/ Villi Peli UK”.
How is “Wipe Out” and “X Factor” similar? Who gives a sh…

Good Luck!